The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
Randomize
