just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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