The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
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