onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
we're drinking bellinis i mean god's titty nectar
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
