i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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