who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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