Yep, it's a dick on our front door. Intentional?
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
