listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
