She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
Randomize
