I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
I have accepted that I am a sexual predator. What I can't accept is the lack of sexual men for me to seduce in this town.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
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