I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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