Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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