He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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