My hair reeks of homosexuality.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
