thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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