I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
