I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Randomize
