made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
i just googled 'classy porn'. high, low, i dunno i just got bored of cum shots.
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
