Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize