Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
we couldn't afford a big pool so we bought 2 kiddie pools and put the inflatable beer pong table inbetween. get over here. now.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
