In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
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