It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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