Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
Randomize
