haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Yes. Being a lesbian's wingman is a fun as it sounds
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Randomize
