Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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