another moral hangover. fuck.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Randomize
