i wish peter jackson would direct porn
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
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