Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
I just sucked dick on a ferry
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
