Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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