John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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