Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Well I got black out drunk before the rehearsal dinner and berated my family with insults. But other then that it was a good time
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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