i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
Randomize
