He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
there's paper in my vomit.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Randomize
