Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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