seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
