A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
Keep it up. It gets easier when you turn 21. Something happens in people's brains when they turn 21 and all of a sudden you have the power to drink constantly and abuse drugs and still graduate with good grades and your shit together. Im almost positive I read it in my freshman year bio textbook
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
