i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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