Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Randomize
