If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Help. Why am I so naked?
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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