"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
