I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I wish there were birth control emojis
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
