I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
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