I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Randomize
