I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
