first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He's a security blanket. A security blanket who FUCKS.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
