Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my math professor just wrote "parallel" on the board, but spelled it "pararrel". guess what country he's from
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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