well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
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I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
All the doctor said was why
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I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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