It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
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