i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
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