did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
OMG. Dad just threw a 100 dollar bill down on the table for a girl to lift her shirt. I think he was kidding, but...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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