do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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