I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
