those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Need sex. Gaining weight.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Randomize
