I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
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Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
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yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
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