I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
