Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
