everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Randomize
