Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
The air was thick with penises
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
