cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
Randomize
