I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
No. I'm home alone and 100% dickless. I hate my life.
Randomize
