i swear to god her finding her clit was like looking for a sock in a dryer full of beach towels
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
Randomize
